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Relatricks: Relationship “tricks” regarding emotional abuse. Do you feel judged, devalued or ridiculed in your relationship? Are you called names, and then that abuse is minimized and denied? This is emotional abuse, and you can learn to set healthy boundaries from Dr. David B. Hawkins, Your Relationship Doctor and Director of The Marriage Recovery Center
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Dr. Hawkins and his team of experts offer education and professional training as well as treatment for narcissistic and emotional abuse.
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About
The internet is inundated with hyperbole and misinformation about narcissism, leaving many people confused and hopeless. Get the facts about narcissism and emotional abuse from someone who has been researching, writing about and treating narcissism and emotional abuse for over a decade.
Dr. Hawkins is a best-selling author and clinical psychologist with over three decades of experience helping people break unhealthy patterns and build healthier relationships. He is the founder and director of the Marriage Recovery Center and the Emotional Abuse Institute which offers education, training and counseling for people who want to break free of, and heal from, emotional abuse.
Whether the perpetrator of the abuse is your spouse, partner, parent, boss, friend or family member, we offer practical advice for anyone trapped in a toxic, destructive relationship. In addition to narcissism & emotional abuse, topics include covert, reactive, spiritual, secondary, relationship trauma and more.
#emotionalabuse
my narcissist made his trigger me saying he was abusive so if i referred to any actions as abusive, i was being insensitive.
Hello, is calling abusers behaviours or the abuser as crazy still seen as abuse towards the abuser?
My mother did and does this all to me. And some other people, too. Worst thing is, that sometimes I've noticed that I do same things to my daughter! The difference is, that she can tell me about it without being punished. She says: "Hey, that feels bad! "Why did you do /say it?" and most of the time: I do not really know, why I did – mostly said – as I did. It just comes from somewhere. I think that it is an unconscious, learned model when you yourself believed that your parents are perfect. You learned their way to communicate and handle certain things. Then you use it, without awareness, with your children, spouse and friends. But good new is, I think, that as soon as you become aware of these bad unconscious methods that have progressed your life, things get better. Now I can tell, why I said some bad things, but then I did not know what was question about: I wanted, in that moment, to control her or I wanted something that I did not get even I had asked many times – for example I wanted to come from the work to the clean kitchen so that I can prepare the dinner and when I did not have it after the hard day, I saw only the mess and first thing I had to do when I car from work was to clean before I could prepare a dinner – Yes, I said bad words, because I felt that it was ME who was devalued badly, badly!! Fortunately, however, she can tell me how she feels so I can SEE and KNOW, what effect the words can have. I am still practicing to stop controlling and to find ways to get what I need – for example the clean kitchen when I get back from work. I need it. If you love me, you give it to me. When I left in the morning, the kitchen was clean and when I come back, it is not clean. Who is actually controlling whom? I see that there was no-one who loved me, because they did not give me the clean kitchen even I asked, I preyed, I explained my feelings many times. No result. Then, I truly shout some bad words. In this kind of situations I've been abusive because I feel I've been abused! What I can say to get the clean kitchen when I return home from work, what??? And at the same time when trying to learn to communicate less abusive ways I fight because there are so many people abusing me – including my daughter sometimes 🙂 My mother always. Some of my workmates too.
Dr. David Hawkings brilliantly said, and inspired by the lord. God Bless you and your ministry
oh I know what it is….and I react equally in defense…but I suppose I like to know I am not alone in it…and I am a loner type….and being a good guy turns me into an asshole…I suppose my only option is to be alone
Nice David!
he called me idiot , bi-polar,,,,,told me to leave . he has total control of me. 27 years of a bad marriage. yeah i had good times they are all material . I don't feel love ,
but it's almost impossible not to criticize of judge your partner… my ex alway did it.. and i felt humiliated and with time i got emotionaly detached from her. 🙁
no i miss her, i do't know if her.. or just the time together… i'm broken hearted.
Dr. David, I was recently in a relationship with someone who had bipolar disorder, and who also suffered from an addiction. While I am aware of these things you are saying, and was often a victim of them, there were times when my partner would be off his meds, and it was necessary to point out that his thinking wasn't rational, when he was in the midst of Mania. I would try with questions, often. "What makes you think this, what makes you feel this". and sometimes, "Have you been sleeping" would come out as I would try to gauge if what he was saying were "baseline" or, if they were a reflection of his mental state. It was very difficult, as his perceptions were very rapidly changeable. So to know how to respond to a situation, or something he was saying, or to know where I stood, from moment to moment…. (whether he was in a dangerous hair trigger explosion place, or… highly stressed, etc). In most relationships, I could see that this would be abusive. But him having bipolar disorder …complicated matters, as when they are Manic, they don't know it. And often DO need the reflection of people close to them. Was I being abusive? Or was it a byproduct of being in such a tumultuous behavior. I should also say that much of the time, he was very emotionally abusive of me. Verbally often when he was in a black mood, but also with the massive mood shifts from loving to hating me, breaking up out of the blue with me (without warning) then begging me to come back to him (multiple times) etc. It's like I was on ever shifting ground. My intention was never to devalue him. I spent the majority of my time with him trying to build him up, and tell him and show him how much I adored him. But, I realize I did question his mental state often… is this common in relationships where a partner has a mental illness? PS: We've recently parted ways after almost six years of dating on and off. He is currently not taking medications, and struck me one night, so I realize there is no going back. But, I do question myself, and whether or not I was also caught up in a mutually abusive (emotionally) relationship?
I will stay single..
lol the "i like that" at the end.
I wish I had seen this while I was still with my ex. I wish I had shown her this. She was a bully to me and I suspect she won't learn anything from the experience. It really makes me sad.
My last boyfriend did all of these things? He also never took responsibility for any of it. How does an abuser learn this behavior?
This works! My fiance is passive aggressive, so there is hope and he is seeing that he's hurting me and he's getting counseling and is trying to change. This video was the turning point when he went for help. When he starts abusing me, sometimes I fall for it, but as soon as I remember to say, "Please don't tell me what I'm thinking (or feeling)", it stops him instantly. He will leave the room and start thinking, and then he will either start a constructive dialogue, or he will o_O apologize. I kid you not. Btw, I don't understand the word before "trick"–is it "the relay trick"…? I can't make out the word, and it's driving me nuts.
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Having a mental boundary where YOU know the difference between abuse and rational behavoiur does help protect you against abusers. It is a lot like 'knowing your own mind' The only thing to do ultmately is to remove yourself from the abuser.
Part 2. The psychosis induced by emotional abuse will prevent clear thought, will turn some people into psychopaths over time & some into empaths, but not the 'inverted narcissist' purported by frauds such as Sam Vaknin. People who dish out abuse learned to deal with situations this way or they are hard wired, such as sociopaths are and do not have the flexibility to learn in social situations. Keeping bad feelings in other people this way means they never have to question themselves ever.
If emotional abuse is happening in a family you have to accept that it will never change. The people doing it are so conditioned to thinking it is normal, they had it done to them & if you confront them with the whirlwind of nonsense used to create a toxic feeling they will tell you that you are 'twisting' what they are saying, when you are striving for clarity. You can't sit analyse abuse because aside from being upsetting it induces psychosis which makes you feel worthlesss.
I'm certainty glad the most Evilest person that played these games with me, now conveniently is now permanently out of it," thank God"… has now began to start playing them with my daughter! Sending her a letter to put Blame on her, because of his own choices his life…. by abandoning her and writing her off as dead! Wrong Move on his part!! Do ya think she'll ever have anything to do with that thing ever again? Hell Noo…She wrote him off as dead! I'm So Proud of her!
… gee still having problems dealing with this in other areas in my life because of the damage that has been done, even though the person isn't in my life anymore
Funny finding you here.
I have a so-called girlfriend who never gives up on the nonsense. She cares less about my boundaries I place with her and this starts conflicts but when I sit her down and speak to her, she either tells me, "you think you know it all" or she twists my words around to make me out to be the bad guy for wanting to solve our problems. I hear "Sorry" alot but this doesn't cut it for me. She doesn't let up on the teasing either or when we have company, she treats me with disrespect. I relate with you.
children are not able to do those things… 🙁
It is my belief that the root problem is, we are never taught how to love, neither by our parents or teachers, because they themselves do not know either.
Thanks for that video, helps a lot.
I find this video to be very helpful, people had suggested that my previous relationship was abusive but I struggled to label that way…then went back and forth between whether it was abusive or not….this video brought much needed clarity. But what do I do now? The abuse, the words and insults, the lies and cheating still haunt me. I went into this relationship very confident and exited feeling like shit.
thankyou that is very flattering, i am sure there is a good young lady out there for you
if someone devalues the WAY you feel too..about your body, perhaps that is abuse too! i respect my body and when someone does not care about me wanting to wait until marriage and keeps on grabbing and poking and pulling that is devaluing my body and my feeling! so that is abuse…i feel a bit better now.